Unsanitary Apples
by erinjoy29
Summary: Jasper provides a commentary to the apple scene from Twilight. He raises some interesting questions for poor Edward.


**Disclaimer: None of it is mine...**

This is set during Twilight. I just had an interesting thought, that perhaps poor Edward's actions could be considered from a different perspective and been turned into a more funny version of that ridiculous apple scene.

_Italics_ are Jasper's direct thoughts to Edward.

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Jasper POV

_Great, another day at school_; I was pretty miserable. I couldn't see the point even coming here; I was just a threat to these poor humans. I had control, but let's face it, it wouldn't take much for my control to snap and we'd have a bunch of dead happy-meals on legs.

_I just want to go home_. I can see Edward getting frustrated with my whining, if his face is anything to go by. _Hey Edward... bite me_. He just gave me a dirty look. _Hey Edward... I was just wondering if you'd be interested in borrowing Alice's 'Hunky Muscle Men' magazine?_

Ha! He's stormed off to go look at food. Oooh... interesting... he's run into that human girl. Bella Swan. _The one I _really_ wouldn't mind taking out to the woods and..._ Great, he's glaring at me again. _At least there's some fun I can get out of this place._

Oh my God, she just dropped her apple and he kicked it back up and gave it back to her. Now she's looking at him weird. _Nice one, Eddie. You're totally making a fool of yourself. This is gold._

I think I'm the only one paying attention to him, Alice and Rosalie are talking about some fashion stuff and Emmett is flicking his lunch at one of the teachers, who honestly can't figure out who's doing it. You have got to love the vampire speed.

So, back to Edward. She just told him off for his mood-swings. _Try living with him and you'll really be sick of it. Haha Edward you can't glare at me or she'll think you're a nutcase. Better pay attention._

"I only said it would be better if we weren't friends, not that I didn't want to be." _I think you mean "I really want to bring you back to my house and eat you." Eddie, I can just see you greeting her at the door with a napkin tucked into your shirt, licking your lips and holding a knife and fork. Priceless._

"What does that mean?" _Yeah, Eddie, try to be a little easier to understand._

"If you were smart, you'd stay away from me." _Nice one. Real nice. Now when she keeps mooning over you, she'll be thinking that you think she's stupid._

"Okay, well let's say for arguments sake I'm not smart." _Oh she is perfect. I love her. I'm going to adopt her, I swear to God._ Oh goody, now she's talking about him having a mask, this is precious. _She's totally psychoanalysing you, man._

"I'd rather hear your theories." _Oooh, dangerous move. I hope she guesses that you're gay. That would be priceless. C'mon Bella! Ask him if he's gay!_

_Damn it. She doesn't think you're gay. I'm actually quite disappointed. I never realised we could be considered to be like superheroes. I suppose so, we have the strength, speed and special powers. Not to mention, I think I would look fantastic in spandex._

_Awww... she doesn't think you're the bad guy. That's kinda sweet. Imagine if she knew you were as old as her Grandpa. Then I bet she'd think you were a bit of a pervert. Hey, do you feel awkward knowing that you are actually the same age, if not older, than her great grandparents?_

_Oh crap. Hey Eddie, why don't you come and sit by Emmett. _

"No. I'm going to kill you Jasper."

"Hey Alice, baby, I gotta run."

"What the?" I hate that my poor Alice was so confused.

I ran home as fast as I could. I started reading one of my books on the Civil War and lost track of time. Nothing distracts me like these books.

Before I knew it, I was being lifted out of my chair and thrown into a wall. Esme is gonna be _mad_. "Hey Eddie."

"Why on Earth did you feel the need to provide me with a running commentary to my conversation with Bella?"

"Well, I was bored. It was comment on your conversation or eat her. I figured you would prefer the former." Everyone was trying to figure out what was going on. I didn't blame them for being confused.

"Don't do it again."

"Come on Edward. You know I will. I just love to tease you two. It's becoming a great distraction for me. I promise you that I will never do it to her face though. Would that be enough to appease you?"

"That would be agreeable."

"Hey, one more thing?"

"Yes?"

"Did you even think to realise that the apple you gave back to her touched your shoe. Do you have any idea how unsanitary it was for her to eat that?"

The last thing I remember seeing before I began running away from Edward was a look of horror on his poor face. I however, was overcome with amusement.

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I borrowed a comment from BtVS because it never fails to make me laugh.


End file.
